Jehovah Shammah
Our first baby that we lost, Noah, was 2 years ago. The 2nd anniversary was June 24th, and it is always such a deeply dark and painful day for my heart and mind. In the days leading up our loss day, my heart feels the weight of it. My mind is more easily depressed and overwhelmed. My words are often less grace filled and more sharp. There is no “forgetting about it” or it catching me by surprise. I know it is approaching, and I’m sure you are the same way if you’ve had a baby die.
I hate how lonely I feel in June. I hate how the main emotions that I feel are messy ones. I hate how seeing other babies and pregnancy announcements sting even more in the days surrounding our loss date. I have learned, thanks to an amazingly gracious and knowledgeable counselor, that there is room for it all. There is enough room for me to happy for other people’s joy, and still be incredibly angry and sad that my baby died. There is room for me to celebrate the baby showers from afar and not force myself to go to such painful things for now. There is room to be happy that my loved ones are in a sweet season of life, and still really struggle with everything I’m missing because he didn’t live.
What I struggle with most is the silence. Silence from friends and family. Silence from the world. The silence stings, it wounds. The silence often causes more messy emotions and pain. The silence has most frequently left me feeling alone and forgotten. It has left me feeling like there are not but a few people who remember our Noah. I am slowly learning that while humans can be insanely imperfect and cause pain, my Jesus does not. He is faithful to remember. He is faithful to care. He is faithful to love. He is faithful to extend patience and truth as I struggle to walk through a messy and hard grief journey. He is good, and He is present. When I allow the truth of this to really settle deep within my bones, the ache slowly fades. When I truly grasp to the truth of Jehovah Shammah, The Lord is present, it matters a little bit less when imperfect humans are just that.
We are not alone. YOU are not alone. When you get that positive pregnancy test and your heart automatically begins to love this little life growing inside of you – Jehovah Shammah. When you begin to tell your older children or family and friends with joy about this new baby growing inside of you – Jehovah Shammah. When you begin cramping and spotting, and worry starts to overwhelm your mind – Jehovah Shammah. When your provider looks at you and begins their sentence with “I am sorry” – Jehovah Shammah.
When you sit on the toilet and are wiping away blood and clots – Jehovah Shammah. When you have to continue to breath and operate in this life while your heart is shattered and you feel numb – Jehovah Shammah. When you look at that outfit, the one you wore the day you lost your baby – Jehovah Shammah When you give birth to a baby that is the most beautiful picture of perfection, but isn’t alive – Jehovah Shammah. When your due date is approaching and your heart is more heavy than words could ever describe and you see a newborn – Jehovah Shammah. When it’s your due date or loss date and you wake up bleeding and cramping, because your body knows what should be happening or has happened – Jehovah Shammah. When you wake up on your child’s loss date and you feel the pain and anger and depression in every bone – Jehovah Shammah. When you are sitting somewhere and realize you should have nursing baby on your breast – Jehovah Shammah. In the moments of “I should have a…” – Jehovah Shammah. In the moments when you desperately need someone to talk about your baby and listen to you and they leave without ever mentioning him or her – Jehovah Shammah. When someone’s well intentioned words leave you wounded and in tears – Jehovah Shammah.
The Lord is present.
Sweet mama, you are not alone. You have grieving mamas all around you. You have a Father who is faithful to be present, to love, who is good. Remind yourself of truth. Give yourself space to grieve. Surround yourself with people who extend kindness and grace to you. Take care of yourself. Because you matter. Your baby matters. And you are not alone.
