The Bad Days
My heart has been heavy lately. Heavy for women that I love so deeply. I go through a lot of days where my emotions are in check, and it is less of struggle - and then I have days where the weight of loss threatens to pull me down with the weight of it. And I guess I’m just in the midst of trying to fight that weight with truth, trying to cling to hope and the promise of healing for each of us. Because with every ounce of strength that I’ve got I do believe that. I believe there will be healing for each of us. For YOU. And I believe that your story isn’t over. I believe mine isn’t over, especially on the good days. But it’s not the good days that we struggle with, right?
On the good days, I laugh with my two girls. On the good days, I think about my three babies in Heaven and I smile. On the good days, I think about whatever random milestone one of them should be hitting and it doesn’t threaten my peace. On the good days, I can deal with triggers and choose to pray through it and process it peacefully. On the good days, I can extend grace to people who ask hurtful questions or extend grace towards the silence of family and friends. On the good days I can laugh and not feel guilty for it. It isn’t the good days that I struggle to cling to hope. And I’m sure that is probably true for a lot of you.
It’s the bad days.
The days that start at 2 am because I had a nightmare about the miscarriage. When I wake up with tears streaming down my face because the dream put me right back into such a raw and painful moment. The days when I have to force myself to get out of bed, shower, and function. The days when one of my girls will ask “Mama, do you have a baby in your belly yet?” and instead of answering kindly with “No, love. I don’t.” my anxiety overtakes my mind and I have to figure my way through a panic attack or force myself to not let my anxiety come out as anger. The days when a pregnancy announcement is too much and I want to wallow in self pity. The days when I sit down on my toilet and have flashbacks of losing each of our babies, and I just sit and sob for a minute. The days when I ache to carry a baby full term so badly it is all I can think about, and then I find myself constantly reminding myself to not idolize it. The days when I’m left disappointed with an interaction with a family member or friend because it just seems like they don’t care enough to ask. The days when I’m angry all day long, and I act rude and short without even knowing that that is my issue. The days when a friend texts me to tell me she just lost her baby too - sometimes it all just makes me so frustrated and confused. I know how painful and lonely this grief journey is. And I HATE when someone I love has to walk through it as well.
Its the bad days that led us to start Grace In Grief. Its the bad days that threaten to turn my world inside out again. Its bad days that I need a friend to sit and listen to me as I pour my heart out to her. And we all have them. So, my sweet grieving friend, if you are having a bad day please know that nothing would make me happier than to listen to you and love on you as you struggle. We desire so deeply for this to be a safe place for you on those bad days. A place where you know you can be met with kindness, grace, truth, and prayer. You are loved, sweet mama.
